The game is changing
“they’re just little kids let them win at mario ka-”
me:
“it’s not fai-”
me:
I was raised by a man who would NEVER let anyone win. It was like, against his religion.
You won for real or not at all.
Maybe that’s partially why I am not a snivelly liberal.
I hate it when they turn off the game console when you’re winning. #SORELOSERS
Yesterday i lost my glasses. And decided to document my frustration until……… I really wish this was planned, but i gotta admit, I took a big L.
“[defeated tone] So… I have…. lost my glasses. And I’m afraid to leave my bed because I can’t see… and I fear I might step on my glasses. So I’m sitting here with my bee pillow pet… and I don’t know what to do.
I need to get up. I wanna get food. I gotta exfoliate and moisturize, cause my skin looking atrocious right now.
What if… [deep breath] What if I die here, y’all? Would anyone even miss me?Like, really?
I want Enrique Iglesias to come save me. Like, the ceiling opens up and like, he comes down from like, a heavenly cloud with my glasses, and he’s singing. [imitating Enrique Iglesias] ‘Would you dance? If I asked you to dance? I will be your hero baby!’ And I just take my glasses and I’m like ‘Thanks yo! Put a shirt on homie!’
But life, life don’t work… life… [prolonged silence]
[camera zooms in on glasses]
[long silence; light chuckle] Enrique…”
This should win an Oscar
funny story
so when my brother was pretty young, like 3 or 4, my mom was teaching him about body parts, and it was Christmas break. my step-dad’s super conservative parents were over, since it was only a few days until Christmas. I remember my dad had been doing the “got your nose” trick to my brother, him thinking that it was obviously fucking hilarious. so when we were all gathered in the living room, probably watching tv or something, my brother runs in and yells “GOT YOUR PENISSSSS” while furiously grabbing at my grandpa’s crotch. they left before Christmas.
List of reasons for admission into a mental asylum in 1864-1889
tag yourself i’m seduction & disappointment
“bad company”
DESERTION BY HUSBAND.
2017 better be nice to my mom
That’s all I hope for
She deserves it, and my dad too